The Naked Truth
When true love awakens early…
As a 90s kid, I used to watch my mother drool over John Stamos in Full House and claim he was so gorgeous.
So, when the True Love Waits movement swept church culture in the early 2000s, I was in high school and, by all cultural standards, of dating age. Despite attending a small Christian school where the general pickings of suitors were boys with names like Harry, Bruce, and Stuart, I had a short relationship in high school. I knew the above boy trio too well, and I was convinced they would grow into big strong men, just like their mothers. And just for the record, if you ever want your son to get to second base, NEVER name him Harry. No chick is going to admit the hot guy they are dating has a name like Harry. At least, not without a crap ton of name shaming from her gal pals. I’m just sayin’.
As a kid immersed in Christian culture from a young age, I attended youth group, Sunday service, Sunday School, and various mid-week activities. So, when True Love Waits flourished the nation, youth programs began having retreats dedicated to young men and women swearing to save sex until marriage. Some men and women wore rings to swear celibacy, some signed cards, and others on top of celibacy promised they would not kiss until engagement or the “You may kiss your bride.”
I too, received a ring. Looking back on it now, more than 15 years later, I can tell you that I would have been disappointed had I not received one. It was sort of like a rite of passage among teens my age and almost looked down upon if you didn’t receive a ring.
My dad took me to dinner, gave me a speech that actually included the word sex, and how he managed to choke it out in front of his teenage daughter still baffles me. Then he presented the ring, and I took the vow of celibacy. It was kind of sweet actually.
But even then, in the back of my mind I remember thinking, what if I had said no. It wasn’t that I intended to sleep around, but the extra pressure put on me to “stay pure,” whatever that meant, no sex to no kissing, suffocated me. I wasn’t ballsy enough to say what I really thought, and how many other teens thought like I did? Teens have enough pressure on them as it is without extra promises that they are too young to understand. It’s almost setting your child up for failure…almost.
Let me reiterate, it wasn’t because I wanted to sleep around, in fact, from a health perspective, I was terrified of all things pregnancy and STD that I managed to keep my V-card long after all my friends, who had taken vows, lost theirs.
Then when those friends, men and women alike, broke those vows in college and some in high school, you can’t imagine the shame. The anguish. The guilt and remorse a young person experiences and all the church did was remind them of dire consequences instead of helping these young people find peace. This focus on “no sex, or else,” can be detrimental to a young person’s well-being, both mental and emotional.
Upon further scrutiny, the True Love Waits movement promoted celibacy entirely wrong because it focused on “or else.” Or else unwanted pregnancy, STDs, and the real kicker…the loss of your first time with your future spouse.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Let me just say, as a bride who made it to the marriage bed (barely), my first time with my husband was beautiful and I regret not having more first experiences with him.
What no one tells virgins is that the naked truth about sex is that at times it’s unabashedly unsexy. Two sweaty bodies doing the vertical slappy dance, pouncing on a squeaky mattress has about as much sex appeal as using the bathroom after a lactose intolerant on free ice cream day. Not to mention, taking clothes off someone else and continuing to kiss their face off whilst not looking like a cat chasing a laser is harder than it looks.
If church leaders really wanted teens to wait, using scare tactics isn’t the answer. Telling the truth, the naked, unashamed truth is more beneficial to young people then scaring the pants off them. Figuratively speaking…we hope.
NEWS FLASH
Consequences have never stopped anyone from doing what they wanted; if they did, no one would be in prison. Often Church leaders needed to answer a very simple question that was left out of the equation.
Why? Why should a teen or anyone for that matter save sex for marriage? And don’t give me the textbook church answer of “because the Bible says so.”
If that were a good enough reason, teens would not be shown pictures of STDs and scared into iron panties.
The answer to why saving sex is important is that when young people engage too soon, it awakens emotions and feelings that were otherwise dormant. Experiencing these emotions early leads to heartache. How many kids fall in love at 16 and are in a position to do something about it two years later? My next question is, should young people get married at 18? A resounding no, thank you.
If we can all agree that sex is more than just a physical act, and if we can agree that it is as much emotional as it is physical, then teens are too young to date and ultimately to have sex. Unfortunately, their bodies and hormones race ahead to pound town, and their hearts end up collateral.
I have been a churchgoing, God-fearing, Bible-believing Christian for a long time. But nothing is more foolish than assuming that your kid will remain celibate because they took a vow and wear a ring long before they are old enough to realize the weight of their decision. If a child is too young to have sex, they are too young to swear they won’t.
Tell your kids the truth about sex. Don’t scare them into virginity. When they are age-appropriate, be open and honest, and tell the rewards in store for them having waited to awake love—rewards like less heartache and emotional trauma. Remind them of the importance of making good decisions; good decisions are rarely based on feelings fueled by hormones.
Waiting for love puts time and maturity on your side. Anyone can fall in love, but not everyone can stay in love.